“Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.”
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
We all learn to compromise from a young age. Our primary caregivers instilling in us that we can’t have it all our own way and to compromise equals keeping the peace and creating a happier environment.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are times when we do need to think beyond our own needs and wants and this is perfectly fine when the outcome is not detrimental to our own wellbeing or sense of self.
Agreeing to see a different movie, going to a restaurant that the majority prefer, showing up at your partner’s event, picking up your kids, there are always times and occasions that we can compromise and accommodate others.
But what happens when we find ourselves over compromising and feel we are giving too much of ourselves to others? Ignoring our own needs, going to things regularly we don’t want to, being afraid to say no, feeling we can’t say no?
Doing things that are not in alignment with who we are or the values we hold?
I have met so many beautiful women in therapy who have found themselves living a life that is full of compromise and without doubt, FEAR is almost always at the root of their overcompensating behaviour. Fear often masked behind the veil of kindness.
Oh I don’t want let this person down
I like to be there for others
I’ll have my time to do my own thing, my time will come!
I’d feel guilty if I didn’t go
I’m exhausted but I can’t say no, I have to do this.
I don’t really enjoy being around these people but I can’t not go.
So how do we recognise if we are over compromising? Start by bringing awareness to your own experience. These are some consistent signs that often arise;
- You are starting to feel resentment
- You notice that you are giving out a lot more energy that you are getting back
- You are losing connection with your own passions and things which bring you joy
- You find yourself doing things that are not aligned with your own values or beliefs
- You feel fearful of negotiation or expressing an alternative option
- You are spending time with people that are draining rather than uplifting
- Your confidence starts to erode
- You are not making decisions from a place of inner power and sovergenity.
Sometimes we don’t even recognise how out of hand our compromising has become until we don’t have a sense of who we are anymore.
So how can we start to change and shift this behaviour?
Start by doing some inner work around why you are compromising so much.
Ask yourself what is driving your need to please?
Write out everything that comes up for you.
Become fully present to what is arising in the body when you are choosing others over yourself.
Notice how your body is feeling when you agree to do something you don’t want to. Where are you feeling it?
Practice the pause before responding, give yourself time and pay attention to your own internal guidance system. Are you paying heed or ignoring it?
Are you asking yourself if this is in alignment with your own values?
Do you know what your values are? If not, write them out!
Without any judgement become curious as to why you are giving so much of your energy and power away?
What is driving this?
What are you fearful of?
What feeling and memories is this bringing up for you?
Being able to sit with the fear and see how it speaks to you can help get to the root of it’s hold. Is it fear of being unlovable, abandoned, being left on your own. Or is it guilt or perhaps feelings of shame that are arising?
Fear is a normal emotion that we all experience and but when fear takes over our decision process, working to understand the root cause can help us break the cycle. Start small with recognising the signs of how your compromising has stepped into a territory that is not in alignment with your higher self.
Bringing awareness to our patterns and behaviour is a powerful first step. Once we have awareness we can work to change and create a new way of being that honours the life we truly want to experience.
Helen O’Byrne
Registered Integrative Psychotherapist @celticsoulgoddess